We knew it was coming. Poor Rita’s health had deteriorated really fast. She had advanced diabetes. She was weak, and having spoken to the vet on the phone, we decided the stress of taking her to the surgery was too great to subject her too. At best they’d confirm what we already knew. But it was too late to turn things around. Rita had never strayed further than the garden for 7 years; it was right that her life should end where she felt most comfortable and among her family.
But how do you prepare your children for this? As adults it was really hard to get our heads around what was happening. The children however had grown up with our cats – Rita became my daughter’s cat, Roddy (Rita’s brother) became my son’s.
They came to live with us as teeny tiny kittens – brother and sister, but very different in looks and character. Supercat Roddy (who we wanted to call Skunk because of his head markings) was short-haired and adventurous. His sister, Princess Rita, was the opposite … long-haired and really fluffy, she stayed indoors as much as she could; venturing no further than the back garden. Why Roddy and Rita? Well, around that time my children loved the animated film ‘Flushed Away’: Roddy and Rita are the main characters … the children named the kittens!
Princess Rita
Rita’s fluffiness turned out to be her downfall. She lost a lot of weight really quickly, disguised by all the hair. By the time we noticed, after a trip away, it was too late. At that point you look back over her recent behaviour and kick yourself for not spotting the signs … she had started to wee all over the house. She was drinking lots and she was acting quite ‘lazy’. Rita was never an active cat – but she had all the signs and symptoms of diabetes, which is all too common in cats 🙁
It was all very sudden, and very sad. Rita died three days later, in my arms. I was sitting on the floor in Millie-Mae’s bedroom late on Saturday night when she took her last breath. It was very peaceful. We wrapped her in her kitten blanket and we put her in a cardboard box, so that the children could see her if they wanted to the following morning, when we told them. Roddy cat slept in the same room as Rita that night, and hasn’t really left the house since. He’s really missing her.
I had talked to the children about Rita being very poorly, and they understood that she might die. But even so, you still can’t prepare them. MM had a cry, asked to see her and then cried some more. Toby was just very quiet and wanted lots of cuddles. As Rita’s ‘owner’ MM asked that we all put something special in the box for Rita, which we did. She then said she’d like her to be buried in our garden, in her favourite spot under the fig tree. Huw took MM outside and they said their goodbyes and laid her to rest in exactly the right spot. We then, as a family, decided to arrange a small plaque for her. MM wants to use her own money to buy a nice colourful plant to put where she is buried; this we have yet to arrange.
At this exact moment there is a beam of sunlight hitting the ground exactly where Rita lay, and some beautifully scented hyacinths are in full bloom close by. I often stare out the window into the garden and talk to her; I keep saying sorry: I feel more sad than I thought I would, and also guilty that I missed the early signs of her illness.
The children are ok. They know she’s in heaven and she’s playing now with Jack, Barney, Scooby and Thomas, our Cavalier King Charles spaniels that passed when the children were really young. Because Roddy is around the house more now, both children are spending more time with him, which he appreciates.
So, we’ve had sad times in the PackThePJs household. Losing someone special is never easy, however young or old you are. I think we dealt with it ‘ok’ but I have no doubt that sadness will keep popping up over the coming months, and more tears will be shed.
I asked my blogger friends how they have helped their children cope and understand bereavement. Some very interesting comments and suggestions were given.
A relative of Hannah from EastSussexMummy suggested she bought her daughter a book called ‘Badger’s Parting Gifts’ when her grandma died and she was struggling to cope. Her daughter was six and it was a gentle way of dealing with it.
There seems to be a few really good books to help children with bereavement. Laura from Wafflemama suggests ‘Goodbye Mog’. Rose from Bell & Bear seconds this, saying that the book is “so lovely. I read it to my son aged three when our old boy died (Smudge the cat, 18 years old). He enjoyed listening to the book.”
Another valuable book is Up in Heaven by Emma Chichester. It was recommended to Louise of Pink Pear Bear when they lost their dog a few weeks ago. “We’ve all been devastated and there have been many tears. We have taken them to his grave and chosen photos together to print off for a special memory album.”
Laura from Wafflemama found that when her cat died (as well as a couple of people she knew), “the kids actually take it much better and are very matter of fact with it all. Our cat went in the sky, my son understands he is dead but he is in the sky now and happy; he is more than happy with that and sometimes tells me he misses him so we share memories etc., but generally I think kids handle it all brilliantly”.
A suggestion from Rebecca of Kizmetcava is to each write a treasured memory and share them together. Also, “maybe you could send some balloons with the memory on to heaven, and each child keeps the same message to treasure in time to come”.
Tracey of Witts in the Wild lost their two pet guinea pigs suddenly in January. “It was due to a virus which was a shock as they were only young. My daughter aged 9 struggled with the fact they had a short life and kept talking about the life they should have had. We made a treasure box of their favourite toys and food and buried it in a forest that they would have liked. We bought a ceramic guinea pig so she would have a lasting reminder of her favourite one.”
A year after Lauren of MummyIsAGadgetGeek’s cat died, they bought another. The children still remembered – they loved talking about how the ghost of Milo, or previous cat, would guide the new cat and help her feel welcome.
Katy Gibson has a framed photo of their loved one that sadly died that the children can pick up whenever they wish and can ‘talk’ to her. “I have explained she is listening and they can tell her how much they love/miss her or even about their day and even though it’s been 18 months now every few days one of them will grab the frame and go and sit and have a chat with her.”
Of course pets aren’t the only causes of bereavement for children to deal with, as Laura and Suzanne explain …
Laura of Five Little Doves has “always been very honest with the children about bereavement. My eldest was just two when his brother died and I was told by counsellors to be very matter of fact and make it very clear that Joseph was dead and he would not be coming back. They advised that using ideas of heaven or other terms for death would confuse a child into believing that they may come back, or that heaven was a place we could visit. At the time I found it very hard to speak to a two year old in that way and yet he accepted it and my three youngest have grown up with that knowledge too. That doesn’t mean they haven’t created their own tales of how their brother lives in the sky or how he flies in through the window at night, but in terms of knowing that he has died, that was made very clear.”
Suzanne from Meandering Wild has also had to deal with major grief. “I was very honest with my two boys when their daddy died (they were 5 and 9). They always worked out when I was lying or sugar coating and I decided I needed to give them the facts. I think giving them time to process is really important. Questions will be asked at the most inappropriate times, but honest answers are needed. I think it is also important for them to see our sadness and emotion.”
In Memory of Princess Rita
(19 February 2010 – 4 March 2017)
My dog passed away yesterday. He was just 7 years old. It’s hard to accept that he’s gone. He is such a nice dog. And I miss him already. He will always be in my heart.